Defining Boundaries

By Arlene Alpert, MS, LMHC

Have you ever felt uncomfortable (or even overwhelmed) when a client began telling you very personal stories, perhaps even of a sexual nature? What if it was a male client? Did you feel more uneasy? Are there times when your clients have an emotional release and you either simply don't know what to say or you are not sure you are saying the right thing? Have you ever come into work with a million things on your mind, taking you away from your focus on the client? Did you have a fight with your mate, did you have a sick child at home or an elderly parent who needed a lot of extra care? Has it ever seemed that you have undertaken more than just being a massage therapist or a bodyworker and wished you could choose a profession that had more emotional distance? Whatever the issues, challenges and concerns (your's and your clients), addressing the subject of boundaries can be of utmost importance to maintain your professionalism, and your peace of mind.

Setting Limits
Your clients may have similar issues and their negativity can trigger yours. To stop a client's negative energy (and words), your energy and self-talk must be positive. It is imperative that you examine your belief system, expectations and feelings about yourself and your client before every session. You must believe from deep inside that the child you were and the child your client was are innocent; that you both have a lot of love to give.

This technique may sound oversimplified, but I will tell you it has worked for me every time. When you feel the negative energy bubbling up just say, "STOP" to yourself and see a huge stop sign. Your mind will go blank for a moment and give you a chance to recover your composure.

Take care of your health - physical, emotional and spiritual. Way before the treatment session even begins, you need to touch base with your own healing process. Psychotherapists talk about the "wounded healer" - the counselor who has not worked through their own therapy issues, yet has a full-time practice. This suggestion comes from Betty Russell CNHR, CRR, owner of Bio-Magnetic World, Herb Ship and Reflexology Center in Salina, Kan., and radio show hostess of Natural Connection. "Make sure you are fit before you lay your hands on your clients. You need to cleanse yourself of all outside activity and free your mind of any negativity or outside clutter and focus on your client so your energy can work for you and not against you."

Take the initiative when speaking with the client when it is necessary to cut short a barrage of negativity or personal complaints. In his article, "Counseling, Psychology and Massage Therapy," David L. Ruettiger, MS, CMT wrote, "Most massage therapists are not counselors and most counselors are not massage therapists."1 He goes on to say that even though you may not have trained in the art and science of psychotherapy, there are some basic counseling skills you can use so you walk away feeling like you were helpful and the client leaves feeling heard and understood (but not like they had a psychotherapy session). That is the difference between empathy and co-dependency. There are many ways to let the client know you are fully present to them without trying to "fix" them. For example, genuine concern combined with silence and eye contact can reassure the client that there is nothing wrong with them, that you have not abandoned them, but that you are not prepared to solve their problems.

Take a communication course. You don't need the skills of a trained psychotherapist, because you are not going to do counseling. What you need are basic speaking and listening skills so you don't have to flounder at the critical moment. The way to ensure your client's continued comfort with you is to enroll in a practical (not theoretical) communication course at a college. Read the books they assign. I also recommend Teacher Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon. His book is dated, but not the information and skills he espouses. To quote Melinda Elliott, LMT, Santa Fe, N.M., "Almost invariably the therapist, in the role of authority, must take the lead in perceiving and speaking with the client. Without the necessary, vital communication skills, the therapist will fail just at the delicate moment when it is necessary to talk honestly. These verbal and psychological skills come with study and reading, participation in workshops, pursuing our own journey in therapy, and constant vigilance and practice in our everyday work as massage therapists."2

Engage in a process of self-awareness. To be a true healer requires some personal work on yourself. It will give you the chance to look at how you feel about yourself. In addition, maintaining your personal and professional growth is the guarantee that you are working with integrity and want to have good boundaries. In an accepting, supportive setting, you can work on contacting and allowing deeper emotional expression in yourself so that you can become more fully alive, centered and grounded - in touch with your whole self.

There will always be times in your professional life when you need to say no. However, if you are like me, you don't find it easy to do that, especially when you don't think you have a good enough reason. This is one of the hardest boundaries to set. However, now with my inner support in place, I have found ways to say "no" that work for me. I can also do it without making the other person feel like I don't care. So can you.

Look at it this way: You say no by having a lock on your door and a fence around your yard. Most people get the message. But, what do you do when you want to stop the emotional barrage that is threatening your goal of relaxing the client? What happens when you haven't the time to chat or stop what you are doing? What if that someone is a customer, a friend, your boss or your mother and you have an investment in maintaining your relationship with them? How do you stop them from interrupting you?

The answer is, you form a boundary around you. Of course, it is an imaginary boundary. But make no mistake about it, even though people can't see it, they can feel it. It is a firm, but kind, self-boundary you formed, not to alienate people, but to let them know you have rights too. It is not a hostile boundary made with mental barbed wire, rather it is a clear boundary that people can see through, and in seeing through it they can see that you really need to say "no." Once they believe this, you can rest easy because they understand you are going to say what you mean and mean what you say. When your "no" is the truth, you have a boundary that says - "I have needs and you have needs. I am not going to meet your needs at my expense. However, let's get together and figure out a way for both of us to get our needs satisfied."

Be open to not backing down. Be open to hearing what the other person needs. Then find a way, by collaborating with them to get both your needs met. It can be done. This is the best kind of boundary, because it says you are important to me and I am important to me. I don't want to lose and I don't want you to lose.

When the other person wants to collaborate with me, setting my boundary is easy. It feels good to have the kind of relationship where we both respect each other's needs. However, when I can't get that caring, then I simply say, "no" - "no, I don't have the time right now. No, I don't want to go to the movies tonight. No, you can't criticize me." Just "no."

The key to being able to set a clear, "No, I mean it" boundary is to do it in a kind, caring way, so the person (or people) won't feel rejected. As a matter of fact, they will want to either work out the problem with you or go away (but not go away mad).

This last boundary I want to address has to do with those of you who have a dual license. You are a massage therapist and a psychotherapist. The boundary I would set would be not to combine massage with counseling unless you have set the parameters way before the first treatment and the intent on both your part and the client's is to process the emotional release.

It is not easy to detach from the emotional energy charge that we and our clients experience and try to express ourselves in a healthy way. The road to separation with empathy can be arduous. However, for those of us with integrity, honesty and honor, to not travel down that road is to fail ourselves, as well as our clients. To set boundaries may be hard, not to set them may make practicing your healing impossible.

Notes
1 Reuttiger, David L.; New York State Society of Medical Massage Therapists Journal, June 1998.

2 Elliott, Melinda; Massage & Bodywork.

3 Ruettiger, David L.; op cit.

Arlene Alpert, MS, LMHC is president and CEO of Jupiter Counseling & Training Institute and past president of the Florida Speakers Association. She is a licensed psychotherapist and trained at the Institute of Bioenergetic Analysis and also in Body-Centered Gestalt Therapy, as well as Transactional Analysis and Effective Communication. Alpert offers workshops, counseling and business therapy by phone and office, as well as books and tapes. Alpert now is a CE provider for massage therapists in Florida and has national certification pending. Call her at 561/744-4988. E-mail her: ALPERT10@aol.com and visit her Web site: www.arlenealpert.com.

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